


Random Access Memory

by Emerald_Mischief



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Sarcasm, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 12:11:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8101963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emerald_Mischief/pseuds/Emerald_Mischief
Summary: Tony remembers too much and too little. He remembers being kidnapped, he remembers being blown up, he remembers making a name for himself out of the legacy his father left him. He remembers and he wished he didn’t.





	

Tony could remember a time in which he watched his mother clean out their kitchen cabinets, complaining of the food they didn’t eat, the food that was in the cabinets for years, the things that were almost gone. He could remember her laughing at the treasures she found in their cup cabinet, she would tell him stories of when she got them, even if he had heard them a billion times before. He could remember how her smile would light up her face and how dad was never around to see it. Tony could remember rushing into the kitchen at some odd hour of the night, a week shy of 14 after a shatter and a gasp. He could remember scouring all the shops in the area for that exact teacup, he could remember on his birthday when he gave her a gift after she’d given his to him. He could remember how she cried and how dad was still not there.

Tony could remember a time when he got in trouble at school, he accidentally let the flame on his Bunsen burner catch his backpack that happened to be on the table during science. He remembered how unfazed the teacher had been, he remembered how worried the principal had been, he remembered how furious his father had been. Tony remembered how it was the only attention he really ever got, when something went wrong, accidental or not, if it involved Tony his father was suddenly there, taking control. Tony remembered when he stopped caring if in the process of winning his fathers eye he hurt himself or others, he remembers the exact moment he got reckless.

Tony could remember how he stopped caring about studying, how the teachers and principal used to say it was because he was a smart boy. How he was a genius. How proud his father should be. He remembered how because of those words his father got harder on him, he remembered how tough it was to be anything he wanted to be, how troublesome intelligence was. He was a smart kid. A real smart boy. A genius. He would do great things one day. He would come to be just like his father. Just like Dear Ole Dad. Tony recalls when he hated the idea of being his father, abandoning his loved ones, causing nothing but problems to try and solve all of them at once.

Tony remembers when he got into collage, accepted at least, he was accepted to at least a dozen since his mother convinced him to apply to them. He had his heart set on one, he was young but he was smart, so smart and he was already out of high school and heading into a place he knew he’d fit right in. He graduated ahead and on top of his class he also made one of his best friends there, he remembers the moment he decided Rhodey would be his best friend for life. He remembers how everyone told Rhodey to stay away from him, how he was no good, that he would only use him for a greater purpose. He also remembers how Rhodey told them all to go to hell.

Tony remembers when he had to say goodbye to his parents, when he had to say goodbye to his mother, the day he buried what little he had of his caution, the day he became what the world recalls of him.

Tony remembers when he was just Anthony. He remembers when he wasn’t always being shoved into the spotlight, for the good, the bad, the ugly. He remembers when he could wake up and go outside to get his mail without a crowd taking pictures of him in his 10 year old bathrobe and seeing his face in tabloids when he went to pick up groceries. He remembers when he went shopping, by himself, for himself instead of having it delivered. He remembers too much and too little. He remembers being kidnapped, he remembers being blown up, he remembers making a name for himself out of the legacy his father left him. He remembers and he wished he didn’t.

So he drinks. He pretends. He is ignorant, cold, distant, a jerk, a narcissist, a genius, a playboy, a millionaire with nothing to lose and everything to gain. A mask is constructed, a persona, a suit. A dozen suits. Ones he can fit inside to protect him when he’s feeling just a little too soft, a suit of armor, a knight in shining armor. That’s what he wanted to be. To save the day. To save his damsel in distress.

His damsel didn’t need saving. She needed Anthony. She needed strong hands, soft words, honesty and reality. She needed him and he needed not to be himself. It worked for a while, the persona she grew to love was something he grew to take on full time. He was Tony Stark and she wasn’t his damsel. He wasn’t a knight. She found out he wasn’t constructed of gold titanium alloy, he wasn’t perfectly constructed like the suits were, he wasn’t able to put himself through billions of diagnostics to figure out the issues within himself. She found out he was human and wasn’t able to save her.

She loved him anyway. Tony remembers her love. Her sweet laugh and her sweet smile, her soft small hands and how she was his whole world. She kept it together while he was tearing himself apart. She taught him that he could only be responsible for his own happiness. But his sadness was too much for her. His weeks of not talking was too hard. His binges too long. His nightmares too violent. His breakdowns too horrific. His destruction too much to clean up. He gave it his all and only made things a bigger bonfire for the town to burn in. She only ever saw him falling down a rabbit hole, not what pushed him.

He remembers the day she left, the sadness in her voice but also the underlying hint of being serious. “We’ve talked about this.” was thrown in a lot, he remembers how he didn’t move to make her stop walking out the door, it was a battle he knew was lost and if he tried harder he would end up causing more pain. That’s what happened, he remembers now, when he tries too hard...bad things happen. He tries too little and bad things happen. He tries at all and bad things happen.

He wasn’t responsible for his own happiness.

He was just responsible.

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine, I don't own Tony Stark. Thank you for reading~


End file.
